Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner or friends say, “Just focus on yourself?”
I couldn’t stand that phrase because, when being codependent, you literally come from a place where you have no idea how to do that. I’ve noticed that some of my clients have the same confused look about how I accomplish that for myself.
I had no idea how to focus on myself because all I knew was to be focused on everyone else. My circumstances or problem seemed so much bigger than to possibly focus on me.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I thought this list could help you when you are in situations that you have no control over. Refer to the chart below to help you remember what you do and do not have control over.
Here are 6 ways you can learn to focus on yourself.
1) Learning to Set Boundaries
When you’re having trouble focusing on yourself, you have to learn how to set your boundaries. I cannot stress enough how important is to set your boundaries when it comes to your relationships. If your partner is hurting you over and over, please do not keep continuing to let yourself be in that situation. Whether that is having the physical distance or emotional distance to be able to think clearly in focus on you at this time is vital. I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions if you’ve just been betrayed. I suggest creating distance, whether emotional physical, so you can at least know that you have this space to do so.
If you’re in a relationship, you can set boundaries by simply taking a break or taking the time to think. It’s ok to set a boundary with your partner or for yourself by saying, “Ok, I have reached my limit on being here. At least let me take the space that I need.”
2) Spending quality connected time with yourself instead of social media or watching TV.
 Now, this is the time where you just have to focus on you and understand what that looks like for you. It could mean “me time” where you focus on your interests. If you’re unsure, think about what you use to like to do before the kids or the relationship.
Did you like to draw?
Did you like to paint?
It’s all about knowing your creativity and exploring it to see what you like again. You get to enjoy that time with yourself. This is the time to not focus on your stress or the pain at this moment, but simply taking the time to connect with you again.
Something I do to connect to myself is through journaling and asking myself self-discovery questions such as:
What do I love to do…?
What don’t I like…?
Look out for a self-exploration journal coming out soon. I hope you are on my email list to find out more information about it
Society has taught us that we are to become one with someone else. But really, this is enmeshing yourself with someone else. However, with that, you can easily lose your sense of self and what makes you you. You have to remember that you are a whole person and so is your partner. Each one has a purpose for their own life. Take the time to journal to find out who that person is whether through, writing, video, or audio. What is it that lights you up?
Don’t give yourself too much time to think about it. You want to write whatever comes up for you and simply flow with the experience.
3) Building a Life You Love
Now, this is what I really like to do when I’m going through a lot and feeling overwhelmed. I’m a big believer in creating the life you love and writing the life you want out on paper. Even if it feels foreign now, simply write what you want out. Sometimes being able to break it up into domains like personal, professionally, romantically, and socially.
Here’s an example of how I might write in terms of profession.
I would write I want to create a business where I’m able to help people be their best self. I’m going to gather pictures that represent that and the feelings I want to experience with having my business. I want you to continue to do this in each area that you have written down.
4) Forgive Others and Yourself
I wrote about forgiveness in the previous post if you want to check that out once you’re down with this one. Forgiveness is really key when it comes to focusing on you if you’re still holding on to that anger and pain that someone caused you. You might not realize it, but they are have control over you and your emotions. We don’t want to give that power away to someone else.
If your spouse is controlling how happy or sad you are, then you need to realize that you’re not focusing on yourself anymore.
It took me a while to understand forgiveness. It took me a while to understand that forgiveness was about giving in. Forgiveness does not mean that you accept someone’s behavior. I want you to know that.
In fact, forgiveness isn’t about the other person at all. I didn’t understand it when I’d hear people say that it’s not for the other person, but it’s for yourself. I began to understand it when TD Jakes said the following quote.
“Forgiveness is about cutting the cord between mean you so I can be free in you can be crazy.”
Forgiveness is about letting go so you can stop feeling stuck. I know it can be hard to move forward, or at least feel like it is when feeling stuck. You’ll always have a choice in doing something. Whether you choose to stay doing the same thing, or if you decide to do something different, it’s your choice.
Note: This is not an overnight process at times forgiveness will be a continuous process.
If you want to learn more about forgiveness check out the post here
5) Choosing Yourself Even if That Means Leaving Others Behind
It’s time to focus on yourself when you’re feeling tapped out, overwhelmed, and stressed.
If you are not able to fully love yourself, how would you be able to receive love from others?
I know how easy it can be to be stuck in a place of people pleasing and putting everyone’s needs before your own. All while wanting to still have your own identity as a human being. Understand that it can be easy to let pieces of you go when all you focus on is everyone else.
Start thinking about what you liked to do prior to your relationships and kids. If nothing comes to mind, try different adventures out to see which ones you do like and don’t like. Make time to try one new thing a week. In this moment, it’s okay to be misunderstood and having boundaries around those who do not get it. Your growth might require some purging of friendships or relationships that would drain or take a lot out of you before.
6) Celebrate Your Accomplishments & Be Proud of What You Have Achieved
Think back over the years about things that you have accomplished. Take a moment to write them all down. Try starting with your accomplishments within the last year. If and when you are really ready, write some memories down of your accomplishments throughout your life so far. Regardless, I want you to take time to celebrate your achievements and accomplishments both big and small.
This is the time to get to know more about you. If you’re ready to do so sign up for your next appointment or group.
