Beginner Steps to Start Finding Yourself In the Midst of Chaos
I remember a moment when I was upset, yet feeling confused at the same time.
I questioned myself if something really had happened. I remember getting comments that suggested that I was being too sensitive or too much, whenever there would be an argument or when I attempted to speak up about how I felt.
This would happen time and time again. There would be arguments and gaslighting whenever I was exhausted from looking after the children. It was constantly suggested that I was at fault or it would be indirectly implied that I was not doing enough.
Well, no, your story doesn’t have to be mine but can you relate to the constant urge to question yourself or to deny your reality (gaslighting)?
How about the times when you really wanted to say “no,” but you decided to say “yes,” just to keep the peace?
And what about the times when there was silent treatment for hours upon hours and you were feeling like you had to walk on eggshells in your own home?
I know what it’s like to be there and starting these simple ways to find yourself in the midst of what feels like chaos can help.
If you are at the point where at times, you feel like you cannot leave the relationship (with your parents, spouse, and family) or you cannot change your situation, do not judge yourself at this moment in time.
I hope that the following steps will help you in your healing process.
Side Note: If you are in a physically abusive situation please get the help you need at the Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. Nobody has the right to hurt you.
Some of the moments when you begin to feel as though you’re losing yourself could be when you’re constantly:
- Overwhelmed
- Overly exhausted mentally from the people around you
- Seeking validation
- Seeking approval
- Having difficulty making decisions because they’re usually rejected
- If someone asks what you like you have a hard time answering
I enjoy getting my clients to understand that these feelings and emotions surrounding this are completely valid with what they went through. At times, simply having one being able to acknowledge that for themselves, can be the first step in the process of healing.
This brings me to the first tip, which is:
Validating Your Emotions
I make sure to let my clients know that validating their emotions is the first step. You don’t realize that your emotions are usually invalidated on a consistent basis.
Remember the moments when you felt sad because someone had hurt you and those moments were followed by comments like, “Don’t cry,” or “It’s not that bad, it could be worse,” and even comments such as, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
We tend to brush off these comments but they slowly eat at us, causing us to lose our sense of self.
In this step, we are working with small steps on how to get yourself back. We want to start with you simply trusting yourself again. What I like to emphasize within my sessions is that how can you possibly trust others when you don’t trust yourself? You forgot to be there for you. How you begin validating your emotions is by first identifying how you feel.
How do you feel?
- Sad
- Angry
- Overwhelmed
- Annoyed
- Worried
A lot of times, our emotions are so minimized that I like to bring an emotional wheel to the forefront so one can really get deep into how they are feeling. So below, you will find the Emotional Wheel. In the middle of the circle, you will see the primary emotions that we all tend to feel but really, the second circle is what it can really lead to. See if you can keep going here until you get to the third outer circle, in order to really identify what emotions are taking place within you.
Once you have chosen the emotion that you are feeling, I want you write down the reason you feel that way. If you want a worksheet example, you can download my free Feel to Heal (Emotion) Worksheet. This emotional worksheet is for the week; you can simply see how it feels for you. If you want to, you can do this within your journal as well. When you identify the emotion I want you to repeat:
“My feelings are valid.”
“My experience is valid.”
What this will do is get you back into a space where you are constantly validating yourself, which can begin that self-trust process. If you want to learn more about how to trust yourself, let me know in the comments.
Boundaries
Now, this right here is my favorite word. Boundaries are what helped me overcome people-pleasing and I know it could help you too.
In your life, is everyone coming before how you feel or what you want? With boundaries, what I would like to emphasize to you and the individuals that I work with is that you have to know what your limits are.
And not only knowing what your limits are, but honoring them as well.
“Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No
How you can begin to find yourself is by writing down what is okay and what is not okay for you.
For example, it’s okay to disagree with me but it’s not okay to yell, call me names, or push your view onto me.
Do you notice how knowing what is okay and what is not okay are all things that are within my control? Remember that we do not have any control over other people, only ourselves. So, I want you to make this list based on what you have control over.
Self Exploration
It’s amazing how little acts of not following through with your boundaries or not validating your own emotions can eat away at you bit by bit. In the midst of chaos or having toxic relationships around us, it can easily make you not even remember the things that you like to do anymore.
I want you to look a little deeper into the things that make you yourself:
What do you like?
What don’t you like?
What are your strengths?
What are your weaknesses?
What are your hobbies?
What do you love to do?
Get deep into knowing yourself.
These are simple steps that you can start with, in order to find out about yourself in the midst of chaos or even without chaos around you.
I know you can do this. It doesn’t happen overnight but bit by bit, you will begin to see change.
If you find that this was a little hard for you to do, I have openings where we can talk deeply about your situation and set up a plan for your healing journey. If you are ready to get started now, Self Pay Clients can click the link below.
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Did I miss anything? Let me know what simple steps you can think of to begin to find yourself in the midst of chaos.
