Healing Trauma / Toxic Relationship Recovery

7 Beginner Steps to Start the Forgiveness Process

February 3, 2021

Forgiveness is such a key part of the healing journey.

Have you ever had a point in your relationship where you felt stuck? What about after the relationship was over? You know, the moments where you had flashback reminders of the hurtful thing your spouse/partner has done?

I remember when I felt trapped in the hurt and pain. It was hard to move forward both emotionally and physically.

I also remember trying to get rid of the hurt and pain which might be the place you are in now.

First, I looked to the Bible for the meaning of forgiveness and how to do it. The Bible made it clear; Forgive others as God forgives you… Except I was literally unable to do that.

You might be in the same position. You keep getting flashbacks of the infidelity or betrayal. The more I procrastinated addressing these ruminating thoughts, the worse it got.

I found myself suffering from anxiety and PTSD. The simplest thing would trigger me, causing me to think about it all over again.

I knew that this was slowly killing me inside because it was all I could focus on. I know I’m not the only one that has been through this so what better way to share my forgiveness journey.

I would say the words, “I forgive you,” but I would still feel upset and angry about what happened. I had to realize a couple of things within the forgiveness process. But first, let’s jump into how do you even know when you need to forgive?

How do you know if you need to forgive?

Is there anyone that you are frustrated, annoyed, or infuriated with? If someone’s name immediately pops up, then that might be the person that you need to forgive.
Are you feeling stuck in life because of circumstances that are caused by people? It might be time to forgive. Keep in mind that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re accepting their behavior or what he/she did to you.
Are you unable to to separate the thoughts about a person from their wrongdoing? This might be another sign that forgiveness is due.
Is there anyone you feel you want to get revenge on? I’ve experienced those feelings too, no judgments here. This is another indicator that it might be time to start the forgiveness process.

“Forgiveness is cutting the cord between you and me so I can be free and you can go be crazy.”

What is Forgiveness?

I use to hate, and yes that is a strong word, but hate when people would use the cliché phrase, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

What does that even mean?

I get it but didn’t get it if that makes sense.

At first, I would fight even the thought of forgiveness because I didn’t understand what the point was at the time.

When I read that quote, I truly got the point of forgiveness and how it literally is about setting you free.

At the start of my forgiveness journey, my ex-husband continued to betray me. I was in a complicated and difficult position, and this made it extremely hard to work towards setting myself free.

I prayed and prayed and waited on God, but the circumstance simply didn’t change.

Keep in mind, if someone betrays your trust, this usually means the person needs time to deal with personal issues.

Hurt people, hurt people. When other people hurt you, their own hurt is spilling over their threshold causing them to hurt others.

I know for me to understand it, I had to break down why someone would continue to betray trust over and over. This quote showed me that.

“The person who continues to breach your trust over and over is someone that is hurting themselves inside. I know that it feels like it’s happening to you so it is against you. But no it isn’t, it could be from past pain before you, childhood, or whatever it is it’s something happening within them that allows him/her to continue to hurt you. Hurt people, hurt people.”

Understanding that allowed me to come to a place of acceptance.

The second quote that helped me understand what forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is simply the act of letting go of the burden that you carry from another person who has hurt you out of their own pain, ignorance or confusion”.

I want to be very clear. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to continue to around them or talk to them. NO! Let me break it down on the myths people have on what forgiveness is:

Forgiveness does not mean…

It does not mean you excuse their bad behavior
It does not mean you deny or minimize the hurt
It does not mean you have to reconcile with your offender (unless you’re choosing to)
It does not mean your weak or “the easy way out”
It does not mean you agreeing with their unkindness towards you
It does not mean your automatically forgetting something painful happened

What forgiveness does mean is…

is freeing yourself, not your offender
taking back control of your life
a choice to heal
increasing from your physical and emotional health
showing yourself self-love
a process, not a one time statement
true freedom from suffering
less anxiety, depression, overall stress, anger
increased hope
healthier relationships

Steps to Forgiveness

1) Understand what troubles you about the situation

Now, I would write this down if I were you. Write down in what ways they have hurt, abandoned, or betrayed you. Writing down helps to release it from you and understand what troubles you. Can you see how their pain was portrayed on you?

2) Do what you have to do to feel better

This took me a little longer because I had no idea how to feel better. I just wanted to stop hurting. Now that you have it written down, how can you start caring for yourself right now? It could be taking some space from the person, it could mean doing something you like to do (read, do your nails, talk to someone you trust etc..)

In my situation, my ex-husband would continue to betray my trust over and over again. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t setting appropriate boundaries. When I set unapologetic boundaries for myself and the situation, even though it sucked at the time, I felt so much better because wasn’t allowing the person to affect me anymore. I love this quote from the book Boundaries by Henry Clark, (loved this book changed my life)

” You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back. Many people are too quick to trust someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the other is producing “fruit in keeping with repentance”(Luke 3:8) To continue to open yourself up emotionally than an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.”

3) Understand that peace is the goal, grant forgiveness

You’ll feel peace when you can look back at what happened but not relive the pain and whole experience. That is how you know you have made peace with it. Remember self-soothing tools such as therapy and exercise. This is the time to focus on your general well being and health.

4) Get the right perspective on what is happening

You’ve written it down and worked on your self- love a bit…. if not make sure to contact me. It’s time to make the choice of renewing or releasing the relationship. Remember it’s always a CHOICE. If you decide to renew; renewing is a brand new relationship. Release it if you’ll feel better letting it go.

6) Create new goals and a new way of being

Regardless of which one you choose, it’s time to start creating new goals for yourself. I know for me I’m a big believer in vision boards and planning. Create goals for the life you want whether that’s creating a business, losing weight, making more “me” time, etc.. Choose what you want to work on to start fresh. Remember it can take a lot of courage, dedication, and allowing yourself to let go to make the choice to forgive.

7) Commitment to Forgive

Make a conscious choice to forgive and hold onto it. When something else happens, it’s not the time to use what they did as a weapon. Continue to say I forgive you and let it go to continue with that commitment to forgiveness.

Which step are you on in this forgiveness journey? If you have a different way of forgiving. let me know below.