Don’t Waste Time! Reading this One Book Will Change Your Life

I can imagine this sounds a little dramatic but frankly, it’s true. This is the one book that has changed my life from being in constant toxic relationships to healthy ones.

This is the book that I make sure to mention to each individual I work with within my therapy sessions.  If you have worked with me before, you probably heard me talk about this book a lot.

I love this book and I can’t get enough of it.  It’s funny because this book has literally turned my world upside down but in a good way.

The book that I’m talking about is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

I couldn’t get enough of the boundaries book because it showed me how my lack of boundaries had me in a place where I lost myself. I’m very transparent when it comes to each therapy session so that you know that when working with me, you are not alone. Yes, this is what I studied to be able to help you in these situations but also what I have experienced.

Lack of boundaries can easily get you taken advantage of and you can lose the peace within yourself. Boundaries can be challenging to follow through with but are so needed for you to have peace within yourself and in your relationships.

If you feel that you’re in a place where you are pleasing people and you have constant feelings of guilt when saying “no,” make sure to get this book.

I started reading this book when I was in a toxic relationship, which was dysfunctional, to say the least. I would allow myself to cry and cry for the same act over and over but even though I would say “stop,” my actions wouldn’t do anything to change it. So, what kept happening in my past relationship, I would continue to be betrayed because I subconsciously accepted it and the crazy thing is, I didn’t even know it.

I recommend this book to you if you have continually been feeling hurt, or feeling taken advantage of, or if you felt judged.

This book is not about being selfish but about having enough faith to pray on it then allow God to lead you. It does have Christian references within the book but even if you don’t see yourself as a Christian, this can still help. You can have enough trust within yourself to begin to build up the strength to make changes or we can have a session to support you along the way.

Ok, so let’s get into the three big points from this book that literally changed the way I treated myself and how I did things.

Well, let’s first start with:

What are boundaries in the first place?

It’s about defining what they are to you and what they’re not to you.

A lot of what I used to do and you might currently be doing was to want to control my partners’ or family’s behavior.

Yes, God does say love your neighbor and you should but when it gets to the point of wanting to control them, that’s going into the zone of doing Gods job (or if you don’t believe in God, you’re taking on a job that is not yours to carry).

You can only be responsible for yourself. As bad as I wanted my ex-husband or my significant other to go out with me to a place that I wanted to go to, I couldn’t make them.

Or as bad as I want my son to not hit his brother, I can set boundaries but I cannot make him do it. I hope this is starting to make sense.

1) Choosing you doesn’t mean not loving others

When I say choose you if you have been in a toxic relationship, this can seem foreign at first.  Boundaries don’t mean being selfish at all but they mean that you love yourself enough and you know you’re worthy enough to know that your cup has been filled to be able to be there for others. When you’re around toxic relationships/friendships, boundaries are life-changing because they help with protecting your peace.

If you have a relationship, where the person is criticizing you or making you feel horrible about yourself, please take time to have that communication of your boundaries. If the boundaries keep being violated, meaning if they continue to hurt you in those ways, the book speaks about choosing you by allowing yourself emotional and/or physical space between you and the person.

I understand what it feels like to believe that choosing you is wrong and that family comes first. However, the hurt that takes place each day or every time you encounter this person can get too much. I remember back in the day, praying and nothing would change. God will listen and direct you but he cannot do the work for you.

If you have been in an abusive relationship whether mentally, physically, or emotionally, this book talks about you having to choose yourself at that moment and finding a safe place; whether it is an emotional or physical distance. I love how this book helped me to realize how there’s nothing wrong with choosing me.

I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with choosing you in this moment. What that may look like for you could be different to the next person. As women, we can be so giving, nurturing, and caring for everyone else but ourselves, even when in an abusive situation. I have been there and all it did was to tear me down. So, this book helped me turn it around, where I created that peace of mind for my boys and me.

2) Control the right person: YOU

I remember looking back and wanting the betrayal to stop.  As much as you might think that worrying, overthinking, increased anxiety will help prevent it, it doesn’t. You cannot control what anyone else does. Frankly, not having boundaries will only hurt you in the end.

The book Boundaries taught me that the beautiful part about loving yourself and seeing yourself as God sees you are that there is beauty in controlling only you. It’s about taking your power back and doing what you can control. You can control how you respond. I want you to know that this is a process and that it does not happen overnight.

“You cannot get them to change; you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.” – Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

3) We have a Choice

I know I reiterate this time and time again within sessions, “You are never stuck, there’s always a choice. It might not be a choice you like but there’s always a choice.”

Everything is a choice, I know that sounds simple but look deeper into this.

If your boyfriend or husband makes you mad, it’s a choice of whether you choose to be angry or not.

It’s a choice of whether you decide to eat that burger or salad.

Everything you do is a choice, and even how you respond is a choice.

If we receive a “no,” from someone, I find it interesting how we try to make it happen in our own hands by thinking we can love the person more or do more, thinking we would be noticed. We get hurt within that process of trying to take things into our own hands.

It’s okay to make the wrong choice but think about what lesson do you learn from this?

The book talks further on being able to respect when God or a higher being doesn’t want something for you. At times, when we get a “no,” or things are not working out like we hoped, we sometimes take it into our own hands to try to make it happen. The gracious thing about God is that he will allow you to make that wrong choice then suffer the consequences of the choice then bring you back on track. The book speaks about praying about every single thing so you can be lead in the right direction. I don’t want to make it seem like I make every right choice because of course, I still make mistakes but I look at what’s being taught to me. Sometimes, we need the same lesson over and over until we get it.

If you were able to get points that I referred to in this book or if you read it and got your own points, let me know down below.